THE OSCARS 2015

PRE-OSCAR RED CARPET

 

What is Adam Levine doing at the Oscars? The man is seriously everywhere.

 

Dakota Johnson is an odd-looking chick. Melanie Griffith’s and Don Johnson’s genes mixed weird. I think she’s better blond.

Why is Kevin Hart there? Margot Robbie? Andy Samberg? Where are the freakin’ movie stars?! I know it’s early, but can someone of import please show up. Margot Robbie may become the next Halle Berry/Charlize Theron/Salma Hayek/Penelope Cruz—beautiful fashion-plate who’s famous and red-carpet ready just for being hot until she eventually gets real Oscar accolades.

Tim McGraw is performing tonight, and he is unrecognizable on the red carpet in a tux and no hat. I was like, “who’s that guy with Faith Hill?” 

Oh, Adam Levine is singing “Lost Stars” from the movie “Begin Again.” I love that song so much! I hope Keira Knightly duets with him. They both sing terrific versions of the song in the film. 

Zoe Saldana, another pretty face competing with Margot Robbie for the hot-girl-on-the-red-carpet crown. Perhaps she too will someday be more than just a pretty face. 

Ugh, Rita Ora is there? Why? She just chaps my ass because I know she had a fling (or dalliance?) with my beloved Bruno. So lucky. Clearly I have to hate her forever. 

Lots of cream and white on the red carpet tonight (Kerry Washington, Lupita N’yongo, Julianne Moore). 

It’s raining in LA. I thought that wasn’t supposed to happen. Like ever. Remember that song by Tony!Toni!Tone!, “It Never Rains in Southern California.”

Nicole Kidman’s face is ridiculous. It’s frozen in time. Not in a beautiful, ageless way, but in a plastic, mannequin way. Not good.

 

Emma Stone looks like a lean, sparkly piece of lettuce.

 

ScarJo and her impossibly tiny waist are back in full effect. I didn’t realize she’d had her baby. 

Rosamund Pike has a snobbish British accent.  I’m sure she’s perfectly charming, but her snooty accent belies that.

THE OSCARS CEREMONY

I don’t think Clint Eastwood got the Kanye West joke (aimed at him?) during the opening song.

Thanks to  his well-placed photobomb during Ellen’s awesome group selfie from last year’s Oscars, I now recognize Lupita Nyongo’s brother in the front row. Welcome back little brother. And since Jack Black is doing a bit in the opening song from Lupita’s seat, she must be backstage waiting to present…

Best Supporting Actor. JK Simmonds (aka Vern Shillinger from the groundbreaking, flagship HBO drama Oz) wins. No surprise. He’s won every award this season. I still haven’t seen Whiplash, but it’s on my list.

It’s weird to hear Liam Neeson’s Irish accent. I’m used to his American-accented menacing whisper. He has a very specific set of skills, after all.

Who thought it was a good idea to pair Grand Budapest Hotel and American Sniper for the Best Picture snippets? Awkward…

Adam is singing “Lost Stars.” I love this song so much! He’s doing a pretty good job, not perfect though. (Bruno has given me unrealistic expectations for musical performances. Not everyone can be as perfect as he is.)

How the hell did Grand Budapest beat out Maleficent and Into the Woods for costume design? Really?!

And then Grand Budapest beats out Guardians of the Galaxy for makeup. Again, really?! Zoe Saldana was nothing but makeup. The fix is in.

Channing Tatum (presenter this year, part of dance number last year or year before) is becoming a regular fixture at the Oscars.

Isn’t Keith Urban freaked out by Nicole Kidman’s face? I can’t imagine seeing it up close. (shudder)

Shirley Maclaine is one sparkly old broad. She’s rocking a sequined black pantsuit. 

I was told by a few people that the “Everything Is Awesome” performance was terrible. Having now seen about 8 seconds of it, I concur. Moving on.

The chick who won for documentary short has Angela Bassett arms circa What’s Love Got to Do with It? Girlfriend clearly lifts.

Gwyneth Paltrow is rocking pink, the same color she wore when she won her statue over a decade ago (for Shakespeare in Love). 

Unrecognizable Tim McGraw is back, slightly more recognizable now that he’s found a hat. I think he’s slimmed down though too, and that adds to the confusion. He’s performing a Glenn Campbell song from a documentary film. I didn’t realize Glenn has Alzheimer’s, so he can’t be there tonight.

As much as I didn’t like Birdman, I wouldn’t have understood NPH’s underwear bit if I hadn’t seen the film. So there’s that.

 

Best Supporting Actress goes to Patricia Arquette for Boyhood, as expected. Unlike most women in Hollywood, Patricia is keeping it real in terms of body size. She looks like a normal middle-aged woman. Good for her. She also took this opportunity to demand equal pay for women, which drew big responses from Meryl & J.Lo.

JLo’s poofy dress doesn’t fit in her seat. Part of is lovingly draped over her manager Benny Medina to her left and Meryl Streep’s seat filler to her right. She also looks terribly underwhelmed by Rita Ora’s song performance. Can’t blame her, but as I mentioned before, I have a personal vendetta against Miss Rita.

Ugh, Grand Budapest wins best production design too. Apparently this is one good-looking movie. I’ve seen a couple of Wes Anderson movies, and I just didn’t get them so I gave up on him. Maybe I’ll have to check this one out.

Birdman wins Best Cinematography. I can see that. The (weird) film was shot in a very interesting way. I think scenes were shot with a single edit (or would it be no edit?). The camera just keeps moving—down hallways, into other rooms, following actors as they move instead of cutting away.

National treasure Meryl Streep takes the stage. (Figuratively) all bow down. She’s presenting the In Memoriam segment. And Jennifer Hudson is doing a musical tribute.

Random former winners and nominees in attendance: Octavia Spencer, Eddie Murphy, Ben Affleck

Jennifer Aniston’s dress is fierce. It fits her perfectly, and she looks amazing. Eat your heart out, Oscar. (She was a shoo-in for a nomination this year, but outta nowhere Marion Cotillard took Jen’s intended slot.)

Aw, tears from David Oyelowo and Chris Pine after the performance of the song “Glory” from Selma.

John Travolta’s face. SMH

“Glory” wins Best Original Song, but Common and John Legend are not named as the winners. They are the ones accepting the award though. I’m gonna have to look up how this award works because I’m confused. 

I love to see people expressing shock over Lady Gaga’s beautiful voice during The Sound of Music 50th-anniversary tribute on social media. I’ve been telling people for years that she is an AMAZING vocalist once you get past the costumes, props and outlandishness. I freely admit she’s strange, and I wasn’t a fan of that last album, but I adore her voice. 

Birdman wins Best Original Screenplay; The Imitation Game wins Best Adapted Screenplay. Hurrah for the latter; boo for the former. And The Imitation Game writer gave a quick but effective and very personal “It gets better” acceptance speech.

Birdman wins Best Director. A sweep is starting. I don’t want it to win Best Picture or Best Actor, but it’s not looking good (for me, that is—it’s looking very good for the film). This guy gives pretty funny speeches though.

Eddie Redmayne wins Best Actor for The Theory of Everything!!! Michael Keaton does not! I am beyond thrilled. I cried out loud, “Yes! Yes!” and threw my hands up in the air…and waved ‘em like I just don’t care. I really enjoyed his movie, and I really like him. Better luck next time Batman/Birdman. (Who are we kidding? This is probably Keaton’s last dance.)

Dear Matthew McConaughey, get rid of that f***ing, nasty beard already. Sincerely, the women of the world. 

 

 

Julianne Moore finally wins her Oscar (for Still Alice). Love her. Just saw the film today. So sad. I was kind of relieved to learn it wasn’t based on a true story.  But of course the sad part is that it is based on lot of true stories, I imagine, because there are plenty of people out there coping with Alzheimers (early-onset or otherwise). 

Drumroll…Birdman wins Best Picture. I just don’t get it. That movie was so weird. I knew it was a frontrunner, and that’s why I went out of my way to see it. So I saw the winning film, but it did not make me happy.

And the curtain falls on another awards season. I still plan to see Whiplash, Boyhood and Selma. I was a lazy Oscarphile this season. I might check out Grand Budapest too. I haven’t seen a Wes Anderson film in years. Maybe I can embrace one now. Or will it be another Birdman? Until we meet again, so long, farewell, auf wiedersehn, goodbye, adieu, adieu to ya and ya and ya. Goodbyyyyeeeee…